Post by peaches2217 on Jun 23, 2010 11:24:28 GMT -5
Hello, peoples, my fellow fourm buddehs! Here is my promised Shrek parody! 
(Yes, I know this chappy's short, I swear the next one will be better-- I have to go to my dad's today 'till, like, next week, and the fourms are blocked at his house, so I might ask GG or Pixie to post the next chapter for me when I get it done.) And the next chapter WILL have an annoyin' Donkey-Sponge! Enjoy!
(And for those who don't remember Shannon, spongebobxsandy.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=shipping&action=display&thread=488 )
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SHREK-- SPONGEBOB STYLE
Shrek-- Squidward
Fiona-- Shannon
Donkey-- Spongebob
Lord Farquaad-- Plankton
Thelonious (guard)-- Patrick
Dragon-Squirrel-- Sandy
Chapter 1-- And Stay Out
Once upon a time, there was a lovely mermaid princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon-squirrel. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss...
"Yeah, right! What a load of--" Squidward tore out the last page of the book, threw the page in the fire with a laugh, slammed the book shut, then stepped outside from his house and into the sunlight. He looked around proudly at his home-- An abandoned old coral reef, covered with algae and infested with slugs. It was a paradise for him, a filthy ogre-squid.
Like every morning, he waddled in the mud to clean up a bit. As he bathed in the thick brown goop, he couldn't help but think back to that book he had been reading. The pictures of the mermaid, said to be Posiden's daughter herself, looking out the tower window, a distressed, lonely look on her face.
It almost made him feel bad for her... Almost. It wasn't like he really cared about anyone, though-- After all, they didn't care for him. So why should he worry about anything?
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Later that night, the citizens of Bikini Bottom, a nearby town, snuck up on Squidward's home with pitchforks and torches (although how fire could burn underwater, no one knew or dared to question). He was the most hated creature in the sea... And killing him would be a great honor.
"So, uhh..." One of the newbie hunter fish stated, "Just what's this guy like again?"
"I've never seen him in person," an older fish replied. "But they say these things will stomp on you, take your bones and grind them for his bread. And if you're an invertible, then he'll just use you!"
"Oh, no, that's giants. Ogre squids are much worse. They'll skin you alive, chop you up into little pieces, take you to land to dry and fillet you over a fire... Actually, it doesn't taste that bad." Everyone froze in place, then turned around and, as if in their worst nightmares, came face-to-face with... Squidward.
They all gasped as the ogre-squid pulled something out from behind his back. When they saw it in the light of their torches, they saw it was a... Clarinet. Though they had never had an encounter with this one, they all gasped in horror at what they knew was about to come. Squidward brought the clarinet to his mouth and, with a deep breath, began playing When the Saints Go Marching In in C Minor.
The mob of fish covered their ears and in terror, the awful noise making them unable to speak. Once Squidward was done playing, the mob slowly uncovered their ears, looking up at the ogre-squid with horrified expressions. "This is the part," Squidward whispered, "where you run away."
And that's just what they did. They went running back to where they came from, a few of the older men shouting for their mommies. Squidward laughed in triumph and, pulling out a sign he'd made earlier that said BEWARE: OGRE-SQUID, he stuck it into the mud outside his home. "And stay out!"
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CHAPTER 2: Why Me?
Spongebob, a rare bread of donkey-sponge, shook nervously as he watched the table of guards get closer and closer. Screams and cries of other creatures were all around them, carts toting supposedly make-believe slaves off to their certain doom.
“M-M-Mrs. Puff, maybe we can work something out,” the terrified little creature pled. “I swear I didn’t mean to crash that boat into your house again! Just give me a few more tests and lessons, and I’ll be driving in no time!”
“Not a chance,” the puffer fish replied. “Those hoofs weren’t made for driving… Besides, you’re probably the only talking donkey-sponge in the world. I could get a good fortune outta you.” Spongebob could only gulp.
Finally, they reached the table, and Spongebob’s sure fate. “So, ma’am, what do we have here?”
“Well, you see, I have a talking donkey-sponge.” Mrs. Puff jerked on the ropes that bind Spongebob’s hoofs together.
“Alright, that’s good for ten shillings… If you can prove he talks.”
“Easy. Spongebob, speak.” Spongebob, however, kept his mouth shut. “Heh… That’s strange. He’s usually quite the chatter box." She tugged on his rope. "Talk, you stupid dolt!"
"No, it's fine, I've seen enough. Get her outta my sight!" Mrs. Puff gasped as the guards grabbed her shoulders and tried to drag her away. As she flailed around in an attempt to break free, she knocked a bottle of pixie dust over... And right onto Spongebob.
Before he knew what was happening, Spongebob felt his hoofs leave the ground, and when he looked around him, he saw, sure enough, that he was flying. "OH YEAH!!!" He cried in ecstasy. "I CAN FLY!!!"
"He can fly! He can fly!" Giggled some nearby children as they watched in amusement.
"He... He can talk?!" The head guard exclaimed, looking over at Mrs. Puff in disbelief. She could only glare in a way that said Told ya so.
"Yup, that's right!" Spongebob flew higher up into the air, farther away from the guards. He was free! "You may have seen a house fly, you may have even seen a super fly, but I bet you've never seen a Sponge fly!" Closing his eyes, he laughed happily, only to be cut off when his hoofs hit the ground again.
Curse pixie dust for having limited effects. All he could think to do now was run.
"Stop that thing!" He heard a guard shout behind him, cueing him to run faster. After what felt like hours of fleeing, he was stopped suddenly by a flash of green.
"Hey! Watch where you're going!" When Spongebob looked up, he saw a green creature with an octopus-like form (only with 6 arms and legs instead of 8) with weird tube-shaped ears glaring down at him. He looked mad... But as Spongebob heard the guards nearing, he could only think to hide behind the creature.
Squidward sent a confused look to the little donkey-sponge, only to be brought to attention by the sound of armor clashing, followed by, "Ogre!" Turning to look, he saw some guards running his way. Once they reached him, the head guard looked up at him, shaking, and pulled out a petition. "O-o-ogre... By order of Lord Plankton, I am authorized to put the both of you under arrest to be relocated to a designated area."
Squidward smirked. "Oh yeah? You and what army?" The guard looked behind him and saw that all of his men had run off. With one last gulp, the head guard ran off.
Spongebob poked his head from out behind the ogre and gapped. "Wow, that was impressive! Did you see those guards run?" Squidward took a deep, aggravated breath, then turned with a scowl.
"Are you talking to me--" But the donkey-sponge was gone. Confused, though thankful that the thing had left, he turned to go back to his reef, only to come face-to-face with...
"Wow, that was amazing! You really saved my butt back there! I'M FREE!!!"
Heaving a sigh, Squidward forced a smile. "Wonderful. Now why don't you go celebrate with your own friends?" He continued to walk on.
"Oh... Well, you see... I don't have any friends..." Just walk on, Squidward. Don't turn around... "Hey, I know! I'll stick with you!" The donkey-sponge ran up beside him with a grin on his face. "You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the snot out of everyone who crosses us!"
Squidward could feel a major headache coming on. There was only one way to get rid of this thing... He pulled his clarinet out of his back pocket, licked his lips, then blew out a tune that made shivers go through Spongebob's spine-- And not the good kind, either.
After he finished, Spongebob stood frozen, then he straightened up again. "Wow, that was fierce! And if you don't mind me saying, you definitely need some music lesson or something, because your playing STINKS!"
Squidward just growled and walked on. As he came to a fallen coral tree, however, the creature popped up again. "You know, this reminds me of that one time I--" Squidward slapped a tentacle over his mouth, but he just kept on like nothing was abnormal. When he uncovered his mouth, Spongebob started talking about eating rotten berries or something like that.
"WHY," Squidward finally managed to shout when he shut up, "are you following me?!"
"You wanna know?" Spongebob stood upright, then hopped off of the coral branch, cleared his throat, and sang: "'Cause I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me... My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me... But you gotta have frieeeeeeeends--"
"STOP SINGING!" Squidward held his head in agony. "It's no wonder you don't have any friends!"
Spongebob gasped, then smiled. "You know, only a true friend would be that truly honest!"
"Oh, for the love of-- Little donkey-sponge! Take a look at me. What am I?"
Spongebob looked up at him, taking his figure in. "Really tall?"
"NO!!! I'm an ogre! You know, grab your pitchforks and torches! Doesn't that bother you?"
"Nope."
Squidward was shocked, he had to admit... He hadn't even hesitated in answering. "Really?"
"Really, really. I like you! What's your name?"
"Uh... Squidward."
"Hmm, Squidward... You know what I like about you, Squidward? You have that whole I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me attitude. I like that... I can respect that." Squidward could only sigh in heavy grief and walk the last few steps to his home. When Spongebob laid eyes on the broken-down coral reef, his front lip curled. "Ugh, who would want to live in a place like this?"
"This," Squidward replied in annoyance, "would be my home."
"Oh, and it's just lovely! You know, you're really quite the decorator. I love what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder! That is a nice boulder." He looked around as he got closer to the house, observing the KEEP OUT signs. "You're not much of an entertainer, are you?"
"I like my privacy."
"Me too! You know, that's what we have in common. I hate it when someone's all up in your face, you try to give them a hint but they won't leave, then there's this big, awkward silence..." A big, awkward silence followed afterward, then, eyes getting big, Spongebob asked, "Can I stay with you?"
"Of course!"
"Really?"
"No."
"Oh, c'mon! I don't wanna go back there! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!"
"ALRIGHT!!!" Squidward yelled just to spare himself a headache. He opened his door. "But just for one night--"
Before he knew what hit him, Spongebob ran into the house. "Oh, yeah, this is gonna be great!" He exclaimed, stretching out on the couch. "We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning... I'm makin' waffles!" He looked around curiously. "So, uh... Where do I sleep?"
Squidward slapped his forehead and groaned. "OUTSIDE!"
Spongebob's cheerful face dropped when he heard this. "Oh, okay... I was kinda hopping this could be like a sleepover or something, but outside's cool too..." He walked outside, and as soon as he was out, Squidward slammed the door. Even that, however, couldn't drown out the nuisance's song. "I'm all alone... No one here beside me..." Squidward heaved another sigh and walked away from the door.
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Chapter 3: Don't Let Me Go
Later that night, Squidward sat alone at his table, a small but doable. The moment was set off with a cozy fire in the fireplace and a candle in the center of the table. This was the life... Living alone, no worries, no cares. And to top it all of, Spongebob had been quiet for nearly three hours now!
Just as he was about to take a bite, Squidward heard a rattling. Speak of the devil... "I thought I told you to stay outside!" He shoved himself out of his chair and marched over to the door to open it and force the donkey-sponge back outside.
"But I am outside!"
Squidward looked over to the at the window, and, sure enough, Spongebob was looking through with a confused look on his face. The rattling continued, and at this point, Squidward was out of ideas, so he just turned back to his table... Only to find three slugs on it, who wore black glasses and felt their way around with canes.
"It's a far stretch from the bog," one piped up.
"It's not home, but it'll have to do," another replied. Meanwhile, they tripped over jars and even knocked the candle down, nearly setting the place on fire (let's just say this particular flame was invulnerable to water). However, the fire was stopped when a casket was shoved onto the table.
An already confused Squidward looked over at seven dwarfs, who were still holding the end of the casket. They looked up at Squidward, paused, then waved nervously.
"Oh, no," Squidward shouted. "Dead broad OFF THE TABLE!"
"Where are we supposed to put her?" One asked innocently. "The bed's taken!"
Sure enough, when Squidward pulled back the curtain that led into his bedroom, there was a sea-wolf laying in his bed, wearing spectacles and a cotton granny dress, reading a book. Noticing that it was being watched,
it looked up at Squidward and squinted its eyes. "What?"
Squidward wasn't sure what shocked him more-- The fact that there was a sea-wolf laying in his bed or the fact that the sea-wolf was male. He grabbed the wolf by the collar and started dragging him toward the door. "I live in a broken-down coral reef. I'm a terrifying ogre-squid! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!"
Opening the door, he threw the sea-wolf out, and when he looked back up, he faced a horror of all horrors... His reef was invaded by thousands and thousands of make-believe creatures. Sea horses, pixies, mini-mermaids-- What in the pacific ocean?!
"What are you doing in my reef?!"
Squidward's yelling caused an uneasy silence to settle over the crowd, and they all let out a gasp as turned to look at him in shock. If it weren't for the serious privacy invasion, Squidward would find it pretty funny. Right then, all he could do was throw a threatening glare at Spongebob, who was standing in front of them all.
"Don't look at me," Spongebob offered, stepping back a little bit, "I didn't invite them!"
"Well, gosh, no one invited us," a wooden puppet spoke up (although how puppets could talk without a puppeteer, Squidward had no idea). "We were forced to come here."
"By who?"
"Lord Plankton," another from the crowed said. "He huffed and he puffed and he... Signed an eviction notice."
So these things were here by force? But why there? Squidward had to see this Lord Plankton guy.
"Does anyone know where this Plankton guy is?"
Immediately, Spongebob started jumping up and down. "Oh, me, pick me! Me, me, me!"
"Does anyone ELSE know where to find him?"
The crowd was silent, and a few fingers were pointed, all while Spongebob jumped up and down shouting "ME! ME! ME!"
Finally, Squidward threw in the towel with a sigh. "Alright! Attention all... Fairytale things, do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I'm gonna see this Plankton guy right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!"
There was another long silence, then the crowd erupted into applause and cheers. Squidward covered his ears and grimaced as some of them came up to him, hugged him, kissed his tentacles, and threw a flower-made cape over his shoulders (which he irritatedly threw off onto the ground).
Spongebob couldn't help but smile to himself. That was his new friend... His bud! When he looked up, however, he saw Squidward walking away.
"Hey, where are you going?" He asked, catching up to the ogre-squid.
"To find Farquaad and get my land back."
"Without me?"
"You catch on fast!"
"But how will you know where to go?"
"A little creature gave me a map."
Spongebob sighed, knowing there was only one thing to do now. It almost always seemed to work for him...
"Hey, hey, hey!" He sang. "You gotta let me go with you! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak!" There was a pause, and Squidward didn't turn around, so Spongy went on, "Well... Maybe you do... But that's why we gotta stick together!"
Oh no, MORE singing? "Spongebob--"
"No no no no!" Spongebob ran in front of Squidward and waved his hoofs in front of his face. "Don't speak, don't speak, don't speaaaaaaaak..."
"I don't have time for this!" Squidward tried to make an escape, but Spongebob just caught up with him again and blocked his path.
"Just hear me out! I might surprise you. I'll be your friend when others despise you!" A now very agitated Squidward rolled his eyes and sighed impatiently. "Hey, now! Don't roll your eyes, stop with the mopin'! You need a pal-- My calendar's open!"
While his eyes were closed as he held the note out, Squidward turned and fled in the opposite direction.
Somehow, though, he just couldn't keep out of harm's way.
"I'll bring you soup when you feel congested," Spongebob sang merrily as he followed Squidward around. "I'll bail you out when you get arrested!" He slipped his arm around Squidward's waist and looked out at imaginary foes. "I've got your back-- Wha-wha-WHA!-- when things get scary... And I'll shave it when it gets hairy!"
Where was he coming up with all this? Squidward shuddered at the thought of the little invertebrate holding a razor to his back and tried to walk on.
"Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go-oh-oh-oh-oh! You need me, you need me!"
"GO AWAY!!!" Was this guy deaf or something?
"I'll treat you right and never act shoddy. If you kill a man..." Spongebob sneakily tiptoed behind a kelp tree. "I'll hide the body!" Then he ran back out and excitedly jumped in front of Squidward. "What'd'ya say? You're not responding." A long silence passed, then Spongebob finally just sang, "I think we're bonding!
"Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go-oh-oh-oh-oh! You need me-ee!" Spongebob started shaking his tail in Squidward's face, and he looked away in disgust.
"You and me, we belong together!" As they walked, Spongebob started listing things off. "Like butter and brits, like kibbles and bits, like yin and yang, Stern and Trang, like Eng and Chang attached at the hip-- But not an old lady hip that might break-- I'm gonna be on you like a fat kid on cake!"
What the heck? When would he take a hint?!
"Like Cupid and Psyche, like pop rocks and Mikey, we'll stick together like that Velcro stuff-- I'm the fuzzy side, you'll be the spiky! Like little kids in pajamas with those funny things at the bottoms, y'know, feeties! Like doughnuts and..." Oh, what went with doughnuts? "Doughnuts and... Diabetes!"
The ogre just didn't seem to be paying attention no matter what he did, though. Time for drastic measures...
Spongebob collapsed to the ground and grabbed his chest. "You can't leave me alone in the forest-- *gasp* Order my casket, call up a florist! *gasp* I'm gonna die, I'm dying right now-- *gasp* Everything's going black! *gasp* I'm going down a long dark tunnel..." He closed his eyes, fighting back a chuckle, but Squidward hadn't come over there yet to see if he was okay... Maybe he didn't believe him.
He shot up suddenly and looked around, faux fear written all over his face. "I hear harps... Who's playing that harp?!" Pleading eyes looked up at Squidward, who was now standing over him, a bewildered look on his face. Spongebob stuck his hoof in front of his face. "Hold my hand..."
What did Squidward do? He walked away.
"Don't let me go!" Spongebob sang as loud as he could, chasing after him. "Don't let me go! Don't let me go! Don't let me go!" He cut in front of Squidward and blocked him off, no matter how he moved. "Hold me, hug me, take me, please! Nananananana, please don't let me go!"
Squidward had retreated to just walking around in circles to try and get the thing off his tail. Of course that was dumb idea. "I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you--" Spongebob took in a huge breath, then spread his arms out. "Don't let me go-oh, go-oh, go-oh... Don't let me g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-go! Yeah!" With that, he got down on his knees in front of Squidward and widened his eyes once more.
There was really no way to get rid of this thing? "Alright, alright... Fine! But no singing."
"Can I whistle?"
"No."
"Can I hum?"
He thought for a moment, then sighed. "Alright." Squidward then turned and walked on.
Spongebob just watched for a moment, then he smirked.
Works every time.
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Chapter 4-- The Wrap of Plankton
"Lord Plankton! Lord Plankton!" Plankton turned his head to see one of his noblefish running in. "I bring great news!"
"Can it, buddy, let me finish my business here." Plankton turned back to the table (which had been lowered significantly, considering his microscopic size), where one of his edible, fictitious victims lay, coughing after being dunked repeatedly into a glass of milk. "I still haven't gotten an answer, and my patience is wearing thin! Where are the others?!"
Without a moment's hesitation, the Gingerbread Man scowled, "Eat me!" and spit in Plankton's direction (which he quickly dodged before it completely knocked him out).
Lord Plankton was the harsh, unforgiving ruler of Bikini Bottom. The very name struck fear into the hearts of his citizens (or at least he thought), and more than anything, he absolutely HATED fairy-tale creatures. They invaded with his plan to create the perfect kingdom.
"Tell me where they are, or I'll--" Plankton grabbed for the gumdrop buttons on the thing's chest.
"NO! Not my buttons! Not the gumdrop buttons!"
"Then tell me, where are the others?!"
With what seemed to be a sigh of defeat, the Gingerbread Man sat up with a bit of a strugle and started; "Okay, I'll tell you... Do you know... The Muffin Man?"
Plankton leaned in with intense interest. "The Muffin Man?"
"The Muffin Man."
"Yes, I know the Muffin Man... W-who lives on Drury Lane?"
"Well... She's married to the Muffin Man."
"The Muffin Man?"
"THE MUFFIN MAN!"
"So she's married to the Muffin Man..."
"Um... Lord Plankton?"
Heaving a sigh of frustration, Plankton turned to his executioner, Patrick, and said, "Get him out of my sight." Then he turned back to the noblefish. "It better be good this time!"
The noblefish nodded and bowed in front of Plankton, kneeling as far down as he could to reach close to eye-level. "We have scoured the land far and wide, and we have finally found the treasure which you most seek!"
The Lord's eye lit up and, with a gasp of delight, he exclaimed, "A pretty pony?!"
A long, awkward silence filled the room before the noblefish finally said, "No, your highness... The magic computer."
"Oh... Um... Good enough! What are you watin' for? Bring it in!"
A few minutes later, a large computer screen was sitting in front of him, and a face appeared on the screen that looked like bright green lines. Plankton stepped forward in awe. "Magic computer..." Seeing as it didn't respond, he took a few steps forward. "Evening... Computer, computer, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?"
The screen rolled its eyes and said in a nasely female voice, "Please. You're not even a king."
Plankton took a deep breath and turned to Patrick. "Patrick?" Patrick then held up a shell phone, then threw it on the ground and stomped on it.
"W-what I meant was," the computer continued anxiously, "you're not a king yet."
Plankton leaned forward with interest. "Hmm, do tell me more..."
"All you have to do is marry a princess." There was a pause before it continued. "So..." The voice suddenly changed to that of an excited male announcer. "Just sit back and relax, m'lord, because it's time to play the hottest new game show in Bikini Bottom, That's My Wife!"
The sound of this announcment made some other noblefish that had been lingering in other parts of the room come running forward to the center as a picture of a girl holding a broom came up onto the screen.
"Batchlorette number one is a fantasy girl from a far-away land. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil stepsisters. So go ahead, see if the shoe fits! Please give it up for Cinderella!"
Plankton eyed the screen and nodded approvingly. "A housewife... That wouldn't be so bad!"
"Batchlorette number two," the computer continued, "is a cape-wearing girl with a real taste for apples. Kiss her frozen lips and find out what a real live wire she is! Let's welcome Snow White!"
The sight of the girl laying in a coffin excited Plankton somewhat. "Oh, how conveniant! She even comes in a little box!"
"And last, but certainly not least, is a firey martial-arts princess that's locked up in a tower guarded by a fire-breathing dragon!" Fire flashed across the screen, making Plankton and his men shield their eyes. "But don't let that cool you off! She likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Laidies and gentlmen, Princess Shannon!"
A picture of a mermaid with lilac skin, a deep purple tail, and a green dress with golden embrodery, staring out of a window, a dazed look in her eye, popped up on the screen. So far, as far as looks were conserned, this one has to be his favorite.
"So, what will it be? Batchlorette number one, batchlorette number two, or batchlorette number three?"
The noblefish started shouting out their answers while Plankton considered. "Well, they're all so nice and have their advantadges..."
"Three!" Patrick yelled, holding up two fingers. "Pick number three, m'lord!"
Standing up straighter, Plankton turned back to the computer and shouted, "Number three!"
"Lord Plankton, you've chosen... Princess Shannon."
The room erupted into cheers as Plankton stared at the mermaid's picture. "She's perfect..."
Now the nasely female voice had returned. "Y'know, I really should warn you about what happens at night..."
"What, does she get a little frisky?" He turned back to his men with a chuckle.
"No, really, I think you might--"
"Bronson, call a florist, Patrick, call a stylist and book a boyband..." He jumped up and tapped his feet together in mid-air. "We're gonna have a queen!" And with that, he ran off.
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CHAPTER 5: I Know It's Today!
Shannon stared longingly out of her tower's only window at the dark clouds overhead. How much longer was she gonna be stuck in this place? Taking a look back over at her dolls that she had been allowed to bring, the little mermaid smiled. She was already seven years old. She could take care of herself.
What had here parents told her? "Now, darling, don't be sad, the tower's not that bad... Just keep waiting, and someday you prince will come..." When? All that was given to her was her dolls, a stack of books, and enough food to last her for what seemed like an eternity. Bare essintials... Well, at a time like this, she did what she always did when she was doubtful about anything; Read.
Swimming back over to her pile of dolls, she arranged them, sat them up in a circle, then, grabbing a book that looked a bit unfamiliar, sat in the middle of them. "Settle in, girls, it's story time!" She hugged the book to her chest. "Isn't this fun? It's just like a sleepover, only instead of pillow fights, there's a mad dragon who incenorates things!" There was a pause before she opened the book up and started from the first page.
"There's a princess in a tower," she sang (singing always made her feel better.). "Oh my gosh, that's just like me! Poor Rapunzel..." Examining the pictures, she drew back in mild disgust. "...Needs a haircut... But the witch won't set her free." Don't worry, Rapunzel, I know how you feel... "She passes time by singing, like someone else I know." Chuckle. Now that she thought about it, she remembered reading part of this story while sitting on her dad's lap as a small child.
"As years go by, she sits and waits-- As years go by?" She tossed a glance at her doll's disturbingly untroubled faces. "Uh-oh..." Maybe the next page would clear this whole mess up, she thought with a gulp as she turned the page. "A torturous existance..." She didn't remember this part! "She wishes she were DEAD?!" Shannon shut her eyes tightly and looked away as she flipped a few more pages. "Skip ahead, skip ahead...!"
When she dared to glance back down at the pictures, and to her relief, she saw the beautiful princess galloping away with a handsome prince. "But... In the end Rapunzel finds a millionare. The prince is good at climbing and braiding golden hair!" A smile eased its way across her face. The answers to everything could be found in these books, her mother had always said.
"So I know he'll appear, 'cause there are rules and there are strictures," she told her dolls. "I believe the storybooks I read by candlelight! My white knight and his steed will look just like these pictures! It won't be long now, I gaurentee!" She looked over at the wall where she left a mark for each day. "Day number... 23."
It had already been nearly a month... Surely she wasn't in a situation JUST like Rapunzel's. Surely she'd get out of here sooner! Maybe even today...
"I know it's today... I know it's today!"
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Shuffling through her pile of books for the 1,939,421th time (yes, over the years, she had counted.), Shannon finally found the one that she had always loved, the cover tattered and torn.
"Oh, here's a good one!" She exclaimed to her dolls as she sat down to read. "It's a classic!" Adjusting her dress a little bit, she opened it carefully and began. "There's a princess in a coma..." She leaned over to one of her doll's smilling face. "Glad it's her instead of me." She had this entire thing down by memory, as well as all of her stories, but every day, she possed new questions about them.
"Pretty maiden in a glass box... How, I wonder, does she pee?" She pondered that for a moment, then shrugged and moved on. Instead of looking at all the pages closley like she did whenever she was younger, she shuffled them and yawned. "Blah blah blah blah, poison apple, boring boring, evil queen. Filler filler, been there, read that! Seven shorties on the scene." Rolling her eyes, she flipped the pages more consistantly. "Skip ahead, skip ahead!"
When it finally got to the last page, Shannon leaned back a bit and sighed dreamily. "But... In the end the princess wakes up with a start. The prince is good at kissing and melting Snow White's heart!"
Once the book was back in its original spot, she stood and looked out her window just like she did every day (there wasn't much to do in that tower, in case you haven't caught on to that yet.). "So I know he'll appear, and his armor will be blinding! As shining as his perfect teeth and manly hose." She swooned and put her hand on her forehead. This image was almost too overwhelming!
"He'll propose on one knee, and our prenupt will be binding! About time we set the wedding date!" She paused, then continued, "Day number..." Looking over at her "calander" wall, she sighed, this time sadly. "958." But the window still gave her hope. When she looked out that window, she could see her Prince Charming, carrying her away on his noble steed.
"I know it's today... He'll show up today!"
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Storytime was getting old real fast. At this point, Shannon was positive that if her dolls really could hear her, they had all these stories memorized, too, and were really beginning to question them as well. So instead of the same old "they-wait-and-live-happily-ever-after" stories, she'd be telling a new one today.
"There's a princess, any princess," she sang. "Take your pick, they're all like me! ...Not exactly, I'm still WAITING, they're out living happily!" She growled and flipped open her only copy of Cinderella. "Ever after better get here, I want love in seconds flat! No one needs these middle bits..." Upon saying this, she jerked her hand back, which resulted in one of the pages tearing out. "Whoops, did I do that?"
For some reason, though, that made her feel a little bit better... Suddenly she had an idea. "Cut the villians, cut the vamping, cut this fairytale!" She sang, getting more and more angry with each phrase, tearing the pages out one by one. "Cut the parrell and the pitfalls, cut the puppet in the whale!"
Now that Cinderella had run out of pages, she grabbed more books and just ripped them right in half. "Cut the monsters, cut the curses, keep the intro, cut the verses, and the waiting, the waiting the waiting, the waiting, the WAITING!!!!!!!!!" She screamed as she threw the last torn book to the ground in a fit of rage, then she straightened up and smiled.
"But I know... He'll appear..." Her smile faded a bit. "Though I seem a bit bipolar..." What had she done? Really, she needed to learn how to control her temper. Shaking her head as she picked up the sad remains of the books, she sang, "And I'm a vandle now as well, hope he won't mind." Once the books (or what was left of them) were all back in their pile, she looked out her window again, reflecting on the years trapped in this prison, and smiled.
"I'm a find... I'm a catch... And a very gifted bowler!" (Hey, she had to find SOMETHING to do besides read and stare out her window.) "It won't be long now, I gaurentee! Day number..." She dared to look at the wall marked with tallies, but instead of filling her with hope, it only brought her sadness.
Day number 8,423...
Shannon collapsed onto her bed and fought back tears. Twenty... Three... Years...
There are rules and there are strictures...
He'll show up today...
I know it's today...
I know it's today...
"Are you there, Neptune? It's me, Shannon..."
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CHAPTER 6: And the Mission Begins...
"Here it is! Here it is!" Spongebob shouted happily, ears twitching as he ran ahead at full speed. "Lord Plankton's castle, see? There it is! Told ya I knew where it was!"
Squidward stepped forward and looked up at the massive establisment in front of him, towering several hundred feet above them. "It's a bit much, isn't it?" Then with a chuckle, he added, "You think he might be compensating for something?" Spongebob just gave him a confused look in return as they walked towards the entrance.
The deeper they got into the city, the more and more eerie it seemed. There were neat little houses lined up in rows, gift shops, everything... Except people.
"It's quiet," Squidward commented. "Too quiet." That's when they started noticing the signs, hung up all over walls and doors and windows:
BATTLE OF THE RUNWAY
An underwear modeling competition
WINNER GETS TO RESUCUE THE BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS SHANNON FROM THE FIREY KEEP OF THE DRAGON
Below the announcments were pictures of fish striking ridiculous poses in nothing but their undergarments, accompanied by a pretty-in-purple mermaid dressed in a green and gold gown.
"Underwear?" Spongebob beemed. "I've always wanted to be an underwear model!" That only got him a smack on the back of the head as Squidward took the lead again.
It didn't take long to find; all they had to do was listen for the sound of flashing cameras and women swooning before the runway came into view. When they got there, about a dozen or so women were passed out on the ground, the rest red-faced and giggling or screaming at the top of their lungs. On the runway was a muscular red crustation strutting his stuff in his tighty-whities.
Really?
Squidward wasn't there to see some ridiculous compatition. He was there to find Lord Plankton and get down to business.
Before Spongebob could stop him, Squidward stormed up onto the stage. The crowd suddenly fell silent. A few gasped, then they erupted into more screams (the frightened ones, not the desperate ones). Spongebob gulped and clung to Squidward's shirt, scanning the crowd shakily.
After a while, the commotion was cut through by a voice shouting, "Eww! What is this hideous thing on my runway?!"
"Well, that's not very nice," Squidward inquired, looking around for the owner of the voice, then he looked down at Spongebob. "It's just a donkey-sponge!" After another pause, he couldn't seem to find who had said it...
"Hey! Down here!" When Squidward looked down, he saw a speck-like creature with bouncy black hair, a poofy hat and red-and-gold clothing. "What are you doing? Can't you see we're having a compitition here?"
After a moment of contimplation, Squidward felt a tug on his sleeve, and when he looked down at Spongebob, the sponge was pointing toward the man-speck and mouthing Lord Plankton. So, that was the guy.
"Excuse me... Are you Lord Plankton?"
"Umm... Why, yes!" Plankton scratched the back of his head, then straightened up and smiled proudly. "Why? Does the name strike fear into your heart?"
"No, but the little hat does."
A pulse of rage surged through Plankton. How dare he?! The most hideous creature in the land had just insulted him on his own turf! How--
And that's when the idea hit him.
"Why, look at you, so clever, so smart-elecy!" Turning to the crowd, Plankton announced, "People of Bikini Bottom, I give you your champion!" An uncomfortable silence settled over the crowd once again while Squidward stuttered in objection.
"I'm sorry," Plankton whispered to him, "but I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to remove your outerwear. These people came here for men in underwear, right?"
Squidward nearly spat in his tiny face. "What?! No! I came here to talk to you!"
"Remove your clothes and we may talk!"
Finally, with a reluctant sigh, Squidward stripped down to his underwear. After another silence, the crowd went wild, throwing flowers at his feet and whistling. "Congragulations!" Plankton exclaimed. "You have won the honor of going on a perilous journey to rescue Bikini Bottom's new queen!"
"But that's NOT what I came here for!!!" Spongebob took an uncomfortable step back as Squidward yelled. "I came here to get my reef back!"
Plankton stopped short. "Sorry, your reef?"
"Yeah, my reef! The one you dummped your fairytale creatures on!"
Well, there was an obvious flaw in his plan. Thinking for a moment, Plankton finally said, "I'll make you a deal, ogre-squid-thing, if you can bring Princess Shannon back to me, I'll give you your land back."
"Exactly the way it was?"
"Down to the last easter island head."
"And the squatters?"
"As good as gone.
Scanning his eyes across the crowd once more, Squidward gave a nod of his head. "Fair enough."
As the crowd went wild again, Plankton handed Squidward a map, chuckling diabolicaly as he walked away. Just a few seconds later, though, Squidward came storming back onto the runway and, angrily grabbing his clothes, nodded once more and walked away.
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"Oh, man, this is gonna be great! Squidward and Spongebob, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure!"
Squidward winced as Spongebob babbled on. What was worse was the fact that, judging by the map, this castle was a two-day's journey away if they stopped to camp every night, which he assumed Spongebob would want to do.
"You know, this may turn out to be the longest day of my entire life..." He mummbled with a sigh.
Bad thing to say, so it goes. Spongebob's ears perked up again as he exlaimed, "Ooh! Luckly, I have the perfect remedy for that!"
Squidward didn't even have to ask. "N-no! Spongebob, please! I'm begging you--"
"Sing a song, yes, a travel song, when you gotta go somewhere," Spongebob sang, throwing a rythem into his step. "'Cause the fun is getting there, yeah!" He pause suddenly, nearly making Squidward trip over his own feet. "Oh, what the heck, I must confess; I LOVE a road trip!" Spongebob started up again, practically skipping. "Sing a song, hit the trail, forget the maps, forget the guides! Before you know it, you've made strides with me!"
As if the thought of this trip wasn't bad enough. Before he had much of a chance to groan, Squidward felt Spongebob's arm loop thorugh his. "And I know all I need all along is a path and a pal and a song, so I'm singin' and I'm pallin' with you!" He smiled up at the grumpy ogre-squid. "See? Makes the time go by faster!"
"Why me?" Squidward asked no one in particular. "Why me?"
"This is nice," Spongebob sighed.
"Tell me, what was my crime?'
"We are strollin'!"
"As chatty as a scallop, more annoying than a mime...!"
"Squidward, look!" Spongebob pointed off into the distance. "That snail's wearing boots! Isn't that crazy?"
Squidward's mind was far from boot-wearing snails. "Why me? Why me? A simple answer would be fine..."
"Mmm, this is good cardio!"
"WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE SEND ME A SIGN?!"
"Hey look, a sign!" Squidward looked up and groaned when he saw the sign; YUNITA PAL AVE.
"Oh, what did I do to deserve this, honestly? This *sponge* of mine is assinine! WHY ME?!"
With a giggle, Spongebob hopped up into the air and tapped his hoofs together. "Oh man, what could be better than this?!"
And so ensued the longest 76 hours of Squidward's life.
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CHAPTER 7: The Dragon's Keeper
"...And you know what else is delicious? Krabby Patties. I mean, have you ever walked up to a person and said, 'Hey, let's go get some Krabby Patties!' and they say, 'No way, I don't like Krabby Patties!'? No, because Krabby Patties are delicious!"
Spongebob was a slow traveler, since he always wanted to stop and see the sights, so they had been on the road for three torturous, song-filled days now. That thing was not normal... How Squidward had managed to survive, he honestly had no idea.
"And another thing, I--" Spongebob stopped and sniffed the air, then gagged and covered his nose. "Agh, Squidward, you should really warn me before you just go off and let one rip like that! My mouth was open and everything!"
Squidward smelled it, too... But it wasn't that, not by any means... "Spongebob, if that was me, you'd probably be dead." He sniffed the air for a moment before coming to a conclusion. "It's brimstone. We must be getting close." It took a moment for this to sink in, and then it hit him. They were almost there! It wouldn't be long before he could get rid of Spongebob and get his land back! Oh, happy day!
"Yeah, yeah, sure, brimstone," Spongebob rolled his eyes as they walked on.
Before they knew it, they were standing in front of a gigantic castle, separated only by a bridge over a lake of lava.
"Sure, it's big enough," Squidward chuckled, "but look at the location!" Without thinking twice, he stepped onto a bridge.
"Um... S-Squidward? A-are you sure this is... Safe?" Spongebob cautiously stepped his way onto the bridge.
"Of course it's not." He could practically see Spongebob's face going pale, so he added, "It's just strong enough to get us across and back later on." Spongebob still refused to move, so, with a heaving sigh of frustration, Squidward said, "Just don't look down, okay?"
Spongebob dared to move a step or two. "R-r-right... Don't look down... Don't look down..." He began making his way across at a slow, steady pace. "S-s-sing a song, yes, a travel song, when you gotta get across... Show that big dragon who's boss..."
Of course, Squidward thought. Leave it to Spongebob to encourage himself in song.
There was suddenly a loud CRRRRACK, followed by a shout; "Squidward! I'm looking down!" When Squidward turned to see what had happened, he saw that Spongebob had leapt over a broken plank and was now clinging to a post, staring down into the lake of lava with wide, terrified eyes. "I-I-I can't do it, Squidward! Oh Neptune, I can't do it! G-go on without me!"
Okay, now he was just being ridiculous. "Spongebob, it's okay, you're almost half way there!" Spongebob still didn't move, only squeezed his eyes shut and shook violently. "Spongebob," he repeated, making his way over to the pitiful thing. "Spongebob, get up! Get up! Remember? 'Sing a song, gotta get across...' or whatever it was?" Now he was angry at the donkey-sponge's resistance. "Spongebob, get up, you little trilobite!" He grabbed his hoof and tried to pull him up.
Suddenly, he heard Spongebob whisper something barely audible, so he leaned in and asked, "What was that?"
Trembling, Spongebob repeated in a familiar tune, "D-d-don't let me go... D-d-d-d-don't let me go..."
Really, now? Well, if it was the only way to get him to go on... "I..." Squidward started awkwardly. "...Won't let you go..."
Spongebob opened his eyes and glanced up at Squidward, eyes teary, arms shaking. Then, after a minute or two, he slowly rose up and inched his way along the bridge, holding tightly to Squidward's hand. "Sing a song... Hit the bridge... Don't look down... Soon you'll see... B-before you know it, you're half way with me..."
It wasn't long before Spongebob got his skip back, and he was literally prancing to the end of the bridge. "Oh, what did I do to diserve a pal you?" He sang as he let go of Squidward's hand and flipped a back flip on solid ground. "I'm singin', and I'm pallin', with--"
"That'll do, Spongebob," Squidward sighed, collapsing on the ground next to him. "That'll do."
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"So where is this fiery pain in the neck, anyway?"
"In the highest room of the tallest tower, waiting for us to rescue her."
"I was talking about the dragon, Squidward."
"Oh... Well, it doesn't say that on here," Squidward shrugged, looking over the pamphlet on Princess Shannon that Plankton had given him again.
"Does it say anything else about this girl?"
"Well, apparently she likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain."
"Ahh... Cool!"
Squidward had dawned a helmet (to hide the ears, he had said-- Didn't want the princess to think a big, bad ogre was coming to eat her and jump out the window) and was looking around for the tower. "Ah, there it is!" he exclaimed as he looked up at a high, lighted window. "I'll find the stairs, and you can stay here 'till I get back."
"W-wait, stay... Here?"
Squidward heard the squeak in Spongebob's voice, so he said, "Unless you'd like to fight a dragon by yourself while I find the princess."
"Ah, no thanks, I'm good!" He chuckled as Squidward walked off. What was there to do in a tower like this on his own, talk to the skeletons? There really wasn't much-- Wait-- SKELETONS?!?!
Before he could think twice, panic overtook Spongebob, and he broke into a run. But everywhere he went, rooms and rooms of fish skeletons, crab and lobster shells, and all other kinds of remains were scattered everywhere. Squidward had told him to be quiet, but he couldn't help it; he let out a loud scream as he ran away.
He wasn't sure how long he was running in no particular direction, but eventually he doubled over, panting in exhaustion. The cold air made his breath come up in puffs of smoke, and...
Wait... It was spring... How could his breath be...?
He got his answer just a few short moments later when he heard a low growl.
"D... D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d..." Spongebob stuttered, pupils tiny little specks lost in his big eyes. "D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-DRAGON!!!! SQUIDWARD!!!! HELP!!!" Without looking behind him, he made a break for the opposite end of the room. This proved not the least bit helpful, though; turns out the dragon was on the other side of the room.
Spongebob quivered as the gigantic thing came crawling out, spreading its wings... Well, now that it was in good light, he could see that it was a rather odd combination. It had the wings of a dragon, yet the rest of its characteristics resembled... Oh, he had read about it once before... A... A land squirrel?
Naturally, his first reaction was to wander how it could breath underwater. But as it charged for him, he threw that thought into the back of his mind for later and tried to run away again. He had nearly forgotten that land squirrels were very quick, and in a flash and the blink of an eye, he was in its clutches.
"N-n-no!" Spongebob pled. "Please, maybe we could make a compromise? How about if you let me go, I'll make you a couple of Krabby Patties? Everyone loves Krabby Patties, right?" The dragon-squirrel's roar shrunk his hopes even more. "Okay, okay! Krabby Patties AND a free soda! A-a-anyhting else?"
The gaze the thing was giving him held some kind of a secret message... Now he could see that this thing was a girl (based on its eyelashes and… Feminine features), but other than that, Spongebob was too scared to see anything behind that gaze other than OMNOMNOMNOMNOM. He was too young to die like this! And he still didn't know how to drive!
Then it occurred to him... What had convinced Squidward to let him tag along? What had made the past three days so fun and adventurous? What had gotten him across that bridge? It all made perfect sense.
He was gonna have to sing his way out of this.
"Oh, my," he began, looking for something to sing about. He found it in just a few short seconds; the creature's two buck teeth, almost just like his. "M-m-my, what big teeth you have," he sang nervously, hurriedly coming up with a tune. "They're so… Sparkling white!" It was beginning to work; the dragon-squirrel lost that intent gaze and was looking at him with curiosity. Smirking to himself, he went on. "I bet you hear this from all of your food, but you must bleach at night!"
No, no, no, he couldn't be running out of ideas just yet! He had to find something else… That's when her breath hit his nose, and he coughed at the strong smell of acorns. "I-is that a hint of minty freshness? Oh, I am scared to death!" It… Wouldn't hurt to get just a bit flirty, would it? Girls liked guys who flirted… Or at least he assumed as he cozzied up closer. "Y'know, I like a girl with a dazzling smile and Tic-Tac on her breath." Closing his eyes, he hummed a couple of notes more and then looked back up at her with a sweet smile.
"So… How about those Krabby Patties?"
Apparently, that wasn't what she had in mind. Instead, Spongebob found himself gasping in surprise as she picked him up with her paws and carried him away.
Oh, crap.
(Yes, I know this chappy's short, I swear the next one will be better-- I have to go to my dad's today 'till, like, next week, and the fourms are blocked at his house, so I might ask GG or Pixie to post the next chapter for me when I get it done.) And the next chapter WILL have an annoyin' Donkey-Sponge! Enjoy!(And for those who don't remember Shannon, spongebobxsandy.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=shipping&action=display&thread=488 )
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SHREK-- SPONGEBOB STYLE
Shrek-- Squidward
Fiona-- Shannon
Donkey-- Spongebob
Lord Farquaad-- Plankton
Thelonious (guard)-- Patrick
Dragon-Squirrel-- Sandy
Chapter 1-- And Stay Out
Once upon a time, there was a lovely mermaid princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon-squirrel. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss...
"Yeah, right! What a load of--" Squidward tore out the last page of the book, threw the page in the fire with a laugh, slammed the book shut, then stepped outside from his house and into the sunlight. He looked around proudly at his home-- An abandoned old coral reef, covered with algae and infested with slugs. It was a paradise for him, a filthy ogre-squid.
Like every morning, he waddled in the mud to clean up a bit. As he bathed in the thick brown goop, he couldn't help but think back to that book he had been reading. The pictures of the mermaid, said to be Posiden's daughter herself, looking out the tower window, a distressed, lonely look on her face.
It almost made him feel bad for her... Almost. It wasn't like he really cared about anyone, though-- After all, they didn't care for him. So why should he worry about anything?
~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~
Later that night, the citizens of Bikini Bottom, a nearby town, snuck up on Squidward's home with pitchforks and torches (although how fire could burn underwater, no one knew or dared to question). He was the most hated creature in the sea... And killing him would be a great honor.
"So, uhh..." One of the newbie hunter fish stated, "Just what's this guy like again?"
"I've never seen him in person," an older fish replied. "But they say these things will stomp on you, take your bones and grind them for his bread. And if you're an invertible, then he'll just use you!"
"Oh, no, that's giants. Ogre squids are much worse. They'll skin you alive, chop you up into little pieces, take you to land to dry and fillet you over a fire... Actually, it doesn't taste that bad." Everyone froze in place, then turned around and, as if in their worst nightmares, came face-to-face with... Squidward.
They all gasped as the ogre-squid pulled something out from behind his back. When they saw it in the light of their torches, they saw it was a... Clarinet. Though they had never had an encounter with this one, they all gasped in horror at what they knew was about to come. Squidward brought the clarinet to his mouth and, with a deep breath, began playing When the Saints Go Marching In in C Minor.
The mob of fish covered their ears and in terror, the awful noise making them unable to speak. Once Squidward was done playing, the mob slowly uncovered their ears, looking up at the ogre-squid with horrified expressions. "This is the part," Squidward whispered, "where you run away."
And that's just what they did. They went running back to where they came from, a few of the older men shouting for their mommies. Squidward laughed in triumph and, pulling out a sign he'd made earlier that said BEWARE: OGRE-SQUID, he stuck it into the mud outside his home. "And stay out!"
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CHAPTER 2: Why Me?
Spongebob, a rare bread of donkey-sponge, shook nervously as he watched the table of guards get closer and closer. Screams and cries of other creatures were all around them, carts toting supposedly make-believe slaves off to their certain doom.
“M-M-Mrs. Puff, maybe we can work something out,” the terrified little creature pled. “I swear I didn’t mean to crash that boat into your house again! Just give me a few more tests and lessons, and I’ll be driving in no time!”
“Not a chance,” the puffer fish replied. “Those hoofs weren’t made for driving… Besides, you’re probably the only talking donkey-sponge in the world. I could get a good fortune outta you.” Spongebob could only gulp.
Finally, they reached the table, and Spongebob’s sure fate. “So, ma’am, what do we have here?”
“Well, you see, I have a talking donkey-sponge.” Mrs. Puff jerked on the ropes that bind Spongebob’s hoofs together.
“Alright, that’s good for ten shillings… If you can prove he talks.”
“Easy. Spongebob, speak.” Spongebob, however, kept his mouth shut. “Heh… That’s strange. He’s usually quite the chatter box." She tugged on his rope. "Talk, you stupid dolt!"
"No, it's fine, I've seen enough. Get her outta my sight!" Mrs. Puff gasped as the guards grabbed her shoulders and tried to drag her away. As she flailed around in an attempt to break free, she knocked a bottle of pixie dust over... And right onto Spongebob.
Before he knew what was happening, Spongebob felt his hoofs leave the ground, and when he looked around him, he saw, sure enough, that he was flying. "OH YEAH!!!" He cried in ecstasy. "I CAN FLY!!!"
"He can fly! He can fly!" Giggled some nearby children as they watched in amusement.
"He... He can talk?!" The head guard exclaimed, looking over at Mrs. Puff in disbelief. She could only glare in a way that said Told ya so.
"Yup, that's right!" Spongebob flew higher up into the air, farther away from the guards. He was free! "You may have seen a house fly, you may have even seen a super fly, but I bet you've never seen a Sponge fly!" Closing his eyes, he laughed happily, only to be cut off when his hoofs hit the ground again.
Curse pixie dust for having limited effects. All he could think to do now was run.
"Stop that thing!" He heard a guard shout behind him, cueing him to run faster. After what felt like hours of fleeing, he was stopped suddenly by a flash of green.
"Hey! Watch where you're going!" When Spongebob looked up, he saw a green creature with an octopus-like form (only with 6 arms and legs instead of 8) with weird tube-shaped ears glaring down at him. He looked mad... But as Spongebob heard the guards nearing, he could only think to hide behind the creature.
Squidward sent a confused look to the little donkey-sponge, only to be brought to attention by the sound of armor clashing, followed by, "Ogre!" Turning to look, he saw some guards running his way. Once they reached him, the head guard looked up at him, shaking, and pulled out a petition. "O-o-ogre... By order of Lord Plankton, I am authorized to put the both of you under arrest to be relocated to a designated area."
Squidward smirked. "Oh yeah? You and what army?" The guard looked behind him and saw that all of his men had run off. With one last gulp, the head guard ran off.
Spongebob poked his head from out behind the ogre and gapped. "Wow, that was impressive! Did you see those guards run?" Squidward took a deep, aggravated breath, then turned with a scowl.
"Are you talking to me--" But the donkey-sponge was gone. Confused, though thankful that the thing had left, he turned to go back to his reef, only to come face-to-face with...
"Wow, that was amazing! You really saved my butt back there! I'M FREE!!!"
Heaving a sigh, Squidward forced a smile. "Wonderful. Now why don't you go celebrate with your own friends?" He continued to walk on.
"Oh... Well, you see... I don't have any friends..." Just walk on, Squidward. Don't turn around... "Hey, I know! I'll stick with you!" The donkey-sponge ran up beside him with a grin on his face. "You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the snot out of everyone who crosses us!"
Squidward could feel a major headache coming on. There was only one way to get rid of this thing... He pulled his clarinet out of his back pocket, licked his lips, then blew out a tune that made shivers go through Spongebob's spine-- And not the good kind, either.
After he finished, Spongebob stood frozen, then he straightened up again. "Wow, that was fierce! And if you don't mind me saying, you definitely need some music lesson or something, because your playing STINKS!"
Squidward just growled and walked on. As he came to a fallen coral tree, however, the creature popped up again. "You know, this reminds me of that one time I--" Squidward slapped a tentacle over his mouth, but he just kept on like nothing was abnormal. When he uncovered his mouth, Spongebob started talking about eating rotten berries or something like that.
"WHY," Squidward finally managed to shout when he shut up, "are you following me?!"
"You wanna know?" Spongebob stood upright, then hopped off of the coral branch, cleared his throat, and sang: "'Cause I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me... My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me... But you gotta have frieeeeeeeends--"
"STOP SINGING!" Squidward held his head in agony. "It's no wonder you don't have any friends!"
Spongebob gasped, then smiled. "You know, only a true friend would be that truly honest!"
"Oh, for the love of-- Little donkey-sponge! Take a look at me. What am I?"
Spongebob looked up at him, taking his figure in. "Really tall?"
"NO!!! I'm an ogre! You know, grab your pitchforks and torches! Doesn't that bother you?"
"Nope."
Squidward was shocked, he had to admit... He hadn't even hesitated in answering. "Really?"
"Really, really. I like you! What's your name?"
"Uh... Squidward."
"Hmm, Squidward... You know what I like about you, Squidward? You have that whole I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me attitude. I like that... I can respect that." Squidward could only sigh in heavy grief and walk the last few steps to his home. When Spongebob laid eyes on the broken-down coral reef, his front lip curled. "Ugh, who would want to live in a place like this?"
"This," Squidward replied in annoyance, "would be my home."
"Oh, and it's just lovely! You know, you're really quite the decorator. I love what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder! That is a nice boulder." He looked around as he got closer to the house, observing the KEEP OUT signs. "You're not much of an entertainer, are you?"
"I like my privacy."
"Me too! You know, that's what we have in common. I hate it when someone's all up in your face, you try to give them a hint but they won't leave, then there's this big, awkward silence..." A big, awkward silence followed afterward, then, eyes getting big, Spongebob asked, "Can I stay with you?"
"Of course!"
"Really?"
"No."
"Oh, c'mon! I don't wanna go back there! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!"
"ALRIGHT!!!" Squidward yelled just to spare himself a headache. He opened his door. "But just for one night--"
Before he knew what hit him, Spongebob ran into the house. "Oh, yeah, this is gonna be great!" He exclaimed, stretching out on the couch. "We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning... I'm makin' waffles!" He looked around curiously. "So, uh... Where do I sleep?"
Squidward slapped his forehead and groaned. "OUTSIDE!"
Spongebob's cheerful face dropped when he heard this. "Oh, okay... I was kinda hopping this could be like a sleepover or something, but outside's cool too..." He walked outside, and as soon as he was out, Squidward slammed the door. Even that, however, couldn't drown out the nuisance's song. "I'm all alone... No one here beside me..." Squidward heaved another sigh and walked away from the door.
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Chapter 3: Don't Let Me Go
Later that night, Squidward sat alone at his table, a small but doable. The moment was set off with a cozy fire in the fireplace and a candle in the center of the table. This was the life... Living alone, no worries, no cares. And to top it all of, Spongebob had been quiet for nearly three hours now!
Just as he was about to take a bite, Squidward heard a rattling. Speak of the devil... "I thought I told you to stay outside!" He shoved himself out of his chair and marched over to the door to open it and force the donkey-sponge back outside.
"But I am outside!"
Squidward looked over to the at the window, and, sure enough, Spongebob was looking through with a confused look on his face. The rattling continued, and at this point, Squidward was out of ideas, so he just turned back to his table... Only to find three slugs on it, who wore black glasses and felt their way around with canes.
"It's a far stretch from the bog," one piped up.
"It's not home, but it'll have to do," another replied. Meanwhile, they tripped over jars and even knocked the candle down, nearly setting the place on fire (let's just say this particular flame was invulnerable to water). However, the fire was stopped when a casket was shoved onto the table.
An already confused Squidward looked over at seven dwarfs, who were still holding the end of the casket. They looked up at Squidward, paused, then waved nervously.
"Oh, no," Squidward shouted. "Dead broad OFF THE TABLE!"
"Where are we supposed to put her?" One asked innocently. "The bed's taken!"
Sure enough, when Squidward pulled back the curtain that led into his bedroom, there was a sea-wolf laying in his bed, wearing spectacles and a cotton granny dress, reading a book. Noticing that it was being watched,
it looked up at Squidward and squinted its eyes. "What?"
Squidward wasn't sure what shocked him more-- The fact that there was a sea-wolf laying in his bed or the fact that the sea-wolf was male. He grabbed the wolf by the collar and started dragging him toward the door. "I live in a broken-down coral reef. I'm a terrifying ogre-squid! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!"
Opening the door, he threw the sea-wolf out, and when he looked back up, he faced a horror of all horrors... His reef was invaded by thousands and thousands of make-believe creatures. Sea horses, pixies, mini-mermaids-- What in the pacific ocean?!
"What are you doing in my reef?!"
Squidward's yelling caused an uneasy silence to settle over the crowd, and they all let out a gasp as turned to look at him in shock. If it weren't for the serious privacy invasion, Squidward would find it pretty funny. Right then, all he could do was throw a threatening glare at Spongebob, who was standing in front of them all.
"Don't look at me," Spongebob offered, stepping back a little bit, "I didn't invite them!"
"Well, gosh, no one invited us," a wooden puppet spoke up (although how puppets could talk without a puppeteer, Squidward had no idea). "We were forced to come here."
"By who?"
"Lord Plankton," another from the crowed said. "He huffed and he puffed and he... Signed an eviction notice."
So these things were here by force? But why there? Squidward had to see this Lord Plankton guy.
"Does anyone know where this Plankton guy is?"
Immediately, Spongebob started jumping up and down. "Oh, me, pick me! Me, me, me!"
"Does anyone ELSE know where to find him?"
The crowd was silent, and a few fingers were pointed, all while Spongebob jumped up and down shouting "ME! ME! ME!"
Finally, Squidward threw in the towel with a sigh. "Alright! Attention all... Fairytale things, do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I'm gonna see this Plankton guy right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!"
There was another long silence, then the crowd erupted into applause and cheers. Squidward covered his ears and grimaced as some of them came up to him, hugged him, kissed his tentacles, and threw a flower-made cape over his shoulders (which he irritatedly threw off onto the ground).
Spongebob couldn't help but smile to himself. That was his new friend... His bud! When he looked up, however, he saw Squidward walking away.
"Hey, where are you going?" He asked, catching up to the ogre-squid.
"To find Farquaad and get my land back."
"Without me?"
"You catch on fast!"
"But how will you know where to go?"
"A little creature gave me a map."
Spongebob sighed, knowing there was only one thing to do now. It almost always seemed to work for him...
"Hey, hey, hey!" He sang. "You gotta let me go with you! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak!" There was a pause, and Squidward didn't turn around, so Spongy went on, "Well... Maybe you do... But that's why we gotta stick together!"
Oh no, MORE singing? "Spongebob--"
"No no no no!" Spongebob ran in front of Squidward and waved his hoofs in front of his face. "Don't speak, don't speak, don't speaaaaaaaak..."
"I don't have time for this!" Squidward tried to make an escape, but Spongebob just caught up with him again and blocked his path.
"Just hear me out! I might surprise you. I'll be your friend when others despise you!" A now very agitated Squidward rolled his eyes and sighed impatiently. "Hey, now! Don't roll your eyes, stop with the mopin'! You need a pal-- My calendar's open!"
While his eyes were closed as he held the note out, Squidward turned and fled in the opposite direction.
Somehow, though, he just couldn't keep out of harm's way.
"I'll bring you soup when you feel congested," Spongebob sang merrily as he followed Squidward around. "I'll bail you out when you get arrested!" He slipped his arm around Squidward's waist and looked out at imaginary foes. "I've got your back-- Wha-wha-WHA!-- when things get scary... And I'll shave it when it gets hairy!"
Where was he coming up with all this? Squidward shuddered at the thought of the little invertebrate holding a razor to his back and tried to walk on.
"Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go-oh-oh-oh-oh! You need me, you need me!"
"GO AWAY!!!" Was this guy deaf or something?
"I'll treat you right and never act shoddy. If you kill a man..." Spongebob sneakily tiptoed behind a kelp tree. "I'll hide the body!" Then he ran back out and excitedly jumped in front of Squidward. "What'd'ya say? You're not responding." A long silence passed, then Spongebob finally just sang, "I think we're bonding!
"Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go-oh-oh-oh-oh! You need me-ee!" Spongebob started shaking his tail in Squidward's face, and he looked away in disgust.
"You and me, we belong together!" As they walked, Spongebob started listing things off. "Like butter and brits, like kibbles and bits, like yin and yang, Stern and Trang, like Eng and Chang attached at the hip-- But not an old lady hip that might break-- I'm gonna be on you like a fat kid on cake!"
What the heck? When would he take a hint?!
"Like Cupid and Psyche, like pop rocks and Mikey, we'll stick together like that Velcro stuff-- I'm the fuzzy side, you'll be the spiky! Like little kids in pajamas with those funny things at the bottoms, y'know, feeties! Like doughnuts and..." Oh, what went with doughnuts? "Doughnuts and... Diabetes!"
The ogre just didn't seem to be paying attention no matter what he did, though. Time for drastic measures...
Spongebob collapsed to the ground and grabbed his chest. "You can't leave me alone in the forest-- *gasp* Order my casket, call up a florist! *gasp* I'm gonna die, I'm dying right now-- *gasp* Everything's going black! *gasp* I'm going down a long dark tunnel..." He closed his eyes, fighting back a chuckle, but Squidward hadn't come over there yet to see if he was okay... Maybe he didn't believe him.
He shot up suddenly and looked around, faux fear written all over his face. "I hear harps... Who's playing that harp?!" Pleading eyes looked up at Squidward, who was now standing over him, a bewildered look on his face. Spongebob stuck his hoof in front of his face. "Hold my hand..."
What did Squidward do? He walked away.
"Don't let me go!" Spongebob sang as loud as he could, chasing after him. "Don't let me go! Don't let me go! Don't let me go!" He cut in front of Squidward and blocked him off, no matter how he moved. "Hold me, hug me, take me, please! Nananananana, please don't let me go!"
Squidward had retreated to just walking around in circles to try and get the thing off his tail. Of course that was dumb idea. "I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you--" Spongebob took in a huge breath, then spread his arms out. "Don't let me go-oh, go-oh, go-oh... Don't let me g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-go! Yeah!" With that, he got down on his knees in front of Squidward and widened his eyes once more.
There was really no way to get rid of this thing? "Alright, alright... Fine! But no singing."
"Can I whistle?"
"No."
"Can I hum?"
He thought for a moment, then sighed. "Alright." Squidward then turned and walked on.
Spongebob just watched for a moment, then he smirked.
Works every time.
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Chapter 4-- The Wrap of Plankton
"Lord Plankton! Lord Plankton!" Plankton turned his head to see one of his noblefish running in. "I bring great news!"
"Can it, buddy, let me finish my business here." Plankton turned back to the table (which had been lowered significantly, considering his microscopic size), where one of his edible, fictitious victims lay, coughing after being dunked repeatedly into a glass of milk. "I still haven't gotten an answer, and my patience is wearing thin! Where are the others?!"
Without a moment's hesitation, the Gingerbread Man scowled, "Eat me!" and spit in Plankton's direction (which he quickly dodged before it completely knocked him out).
Lord Plankton was the harsh, unforgiving ruler of Bikini Bottom. The very name struck fear into the hearts of his citizens (or at least he thought), and more than anything, he absolutely HATED fairy-tale creatures. They invaded with his plan to create the perfect kingdom.
"Tell me where they are, or I'll--" Plankton grabbed for the gumdrop buttons on the thing's chest.
"NO! Not my buttons! Not the gumdrop buttons!"
"Then tell me, where are the others?!"
With what seemed to be a sigh of defeat, the Gingerbread Man sat up with a bit of a strugle and started; "Okay, I'll tell you... Do you know... The Muffin Man?"
Plankton leaned in with intense interest. "The Muffin Man?"
"The Muffin Man."
"Yes, I know the Muffin Man... W-who lives on Drury Lane?"
"Well... She's married to the Muffin Man."
"The Muffin Man?"
"THE MUFFIN MAN!"
"So she's married to the Muffin Man..."
"Um... Lord Plankton?"
Heaving a sigh of frustration, Plankton turned to his executioner, Patrick, and said, "Get him out of my sight." Then he turned back to the noblefish. "It better be good this time!"
The noblefish nodded and bowed in front of Plankton, kneeling as far down as he could to reach close to eye-level. "We have scoured the land far and wide, and we have finally found the treasure which you most seek!"
The Lord's eye lit up and, with a gasp of delight, he exclaimed, "A pretty pony?!"
A long, awkward silence filled the room before the noblefish finally said, "No, your highness... The magic computer."
"Oh... Um... Good enough! What are you watin' for? Bring it in!"
A few minutes later, a large computer screen was sitting in front of him, and a face appeared on the screen that looked like bright green lines. Plankton stepped forward in awe. "Magic computer..." Seeing as it didn't respond, he took a few steps forward. "Evening... Computer, computer, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?"
The screen rolled its eyes and said in a nasely female voice, "Please. You're not even a king."
Plankton took a deep breath and turned to Patrick. "Patrick?" Patrick then held up a shell phone, then threw it on the ground and stomped on it.
"W-what I meant was," the computer continued anxiously, "you're not a king yet."
Plankton leaned forward with interest. "Hmm, do tell me more..."
"All you have to do is marry a princess." There was a pause before it continued. "So..." The voice suddenly changed to that of an excited male announcer. "Just sit back and relax, m'lord, because it's time to play the hottest new game show in Bikini Bottom, That's My Wife!"
The sound of this announcment made some other noblefish that had been lingering in other parts of the room come running forward to the center as a picture of a girl holding a broom came up onto the screen.
"Batchlorette number one is a fantasy girl from a far-away land. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil stepsisters. So go ahead, see if the shoe fits! Please give it up for Cinderella!"
Plankton eyed the screen and nodded approvingly. "A housewife... That wouldn't be so bad!"
"Batchlorette number two," the computer continued, "is a cape-wearing girl with a real taste for apples. Kiss her frozen lips and find out what a real live wire she is! Let's welcome Snow White!"
The sight of the girl laying in a coffin excited Plankton somewhat. "Oh, how conveniant! She even comes in a little box!"
"And last, but certainly not least, is a firey martial-arts princess that's locked up in a tower guarded by a fire-breathing dragon!" Fire flashed across the screen, making Plankton and his men shield their eyes. "But don't let that cool you off! She likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Laidies and gentlmen, Princess Shannon!"
A picture of a mermaid with lilac skin, a deep purple tail, and a green dress with golden embrodery, staring out of a window, a dazed look in her eye, popped up on the screen. So far, as far as looks were conserned, this one has to be his favorite.
"So, what will it be? Batchlorette number one, batchlorette number two, or batchlorette number three?"
The noblefish started shouting out their answers while Plankton considered. "Well, they're all so nice and have their advantadges..."
"Three!" Patrick yelled, holding up two fingers. "Pick number three, m'lord!"
Standing up straighter, Plankton turned back to the computer and shouted, "Number three!"
"Lord Plankton, you've chosen... Princess Shannon."
The room erupted into cheers as Plankton stared at the mermaid's picture. "She's perfect..."
Now the nasely female voice had returned. "Y'know, I really should warn you about what happens at night..."
"What, does she get a little frisky?" He turned back to his men with a chuckle.
"No, really, I think you might--"
"Bronson, call a florist, Patrick, call a stylist and book a boyband..." He jumped up and tapped his feet together in mid-air. "We're gonna have a queen!" And with that, he ran off.
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CHAPTER 5: I Know It's Today!
Shannon stared longingly out of her tower's only window at the dark clouds overhead. How much longer was she gonna be stuck in this place? Taking a look back over at her dolls that she had been allowed to bring, the little mermaid smiled. She was already seven years old. She could take care of herself.
What had here parents told her? "Now, darling, don't be sad, the tower's not that bad... Just keep waiting, and someday you prince will come..." When? All that was given to her was her dolls, a stack of books, and enough food to last her for what seemed like an eternity. Bare essintials... Well, at a time like this, she did what she always did when she was doubtful about anything; Read.
Swimming back over to her pile of dolls, she arranged them, sat them up in a circle, then, grabbing a book that looked a bit unfamiliar, sat in the middle of them. "Settle in, girls, it's story time!" She hugged the book to her chest. "Isn't this fun? It's just like a sleepover, only instead of pillow fights, there's a mad dragon who incenorates things!" There was a pause before she opened the book up and started from the first page.
"There's a princess in a tower," she sang (singing always made her feel better.). "Oh my gosh, that's just like me! Poor Rapunzel..." Examining the pictures, she drew back in mild disgust. "...Needs a haircut... But the witch won't set her free." Don't worry, Rapunzel, I know how you feel... "She passes time by singing, like someone else I know." Chuckle. Now that she thought about it, she remembered reading part of this story while sitting on her dad's lap as a small child.
"As years go by, she sits and waits-- As years go by?" She tossed a glance at her doll's disturbingly untroubled faces. "Uh-oh..." Maybe the next page would clear this whole mess up, she thought with a gulp as she turned the page. "A torturous existance..." She didn't remember this part! "She wishes she were DEAD?!" Shannon shut her eyes tightly and looked away as she flipped a few more pages. "Skip ahead, skip ahead...!"
When she dared to glance back down at the pictures, and to her relief, she saw the beautiful princess galloping away with a handsome prince. "But... In the end Rapunzel finds a millionare. The prince is good at climbing and braiding golden hair!" A smile eased its way across her face. The answers to everything could be found in these books, her mother had always said.
"So I know he'll appear, 'cause there are rules and there are strictures," she told her dolls. "I believe the storybooks I read by candlelight! My white knight and his steed will look just like these pictures! It won't be long now, I gaurentee!" She looked over at the wall where she left a mark for each day. "Day number... 23."
It had already been nearly a month... Surely she wasn't in a situation JUST like Rapunzel's. Surely she'd get out of here sooner! Maybe even today...
"I know it's today... I know it's today!"
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Shuffling through her pile of books for the 1,939,421th time (yes, over the years, she had counted.), Shannon finally found the one that she had always loved, the cover tattered and torn.
"Oh, here's a good one!" She exclaimed to her dolls as she sat down to read. "It's a classic!" Adjusting her dress a little bit, she opened it carefully and began. "There's a princess in a coma..." She leaned over to one of her doll's smilling face. "Glad it's her instead of me." She had this entire thing down by memory, as well as all of her stories, but every day, she possed new questions about them.
"Pretty maiden in a glass box... How, I wonder, does she pee?" She pondered that for a moment, then shrugged and moved on. Instead of looking at all the pages closley like she did whenever she was younger, she shuffled them and yawned. "Blah blah blah blah, poison apple, boring boring, evil queen. Filler filler, been there, read that! Seven shorties on the scene." Rolling her eyes, she flipped the pages more consistantly. "Skip ahead, skip ahead!"
When it finally got to the last page, Shannon leaned back a bit and sighed dreamily. "But... In the end the princess wakes up with a start. The prince is good at kissing and melting Snow White's heart!"
Once the book was back in its original spot, she stood and looked out her window just like she did every day (there wasn't much to do in that tower, in case you haven't caught on to that yet.). "So I know he'll appear, and his armor will be blinding! As shining as his perfect teeth and manly hose." She swooned and put her hand on her forehead. This image was almost too overwhelming!
"He'll propose on one knee, and our prenupt will be binding! About time we set the wedding date!" She paused, then continued, "Day number..." Looking over at her "calander" wall, she sighed, this time sadly. "958." But the window still gave her hope. When she looked out that window, she could see her Prince Charming, carrying her away on his noble steed.
"I know it's today... He'll show up today!"
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Storytime was getting old real fast. At this point, Shannon was positive that if her dolls really could hear her, they had all these stories memorized, too, and were really beginning to question them as well. So instead of the same old "they-wait-and-live-happily-ever-after" stories, she'd be telling a new one today.
"There's a princess, any princess," she sang. "Take your pick, they're all like me! ...Not exactly, I'm still WAITING, they're out living happily!" She growled and flipped open her only copy of Cinderella. "Ever after better get here, I want love in seconds flat! No one needs these middle bits..." Upon saying this, she jerked her hand back, which resulted in one of the pages tearing out. "Whoops, did I do that?"
For some reason, though, that made her feel a little bit better... Suddenly she had an idea. "Cut the villians, cut the vamping, cut this fairytale!" She sang, getting more and more angry with each phrase, tearing the pages out one by one. "Cut the parrell and the pitfalls, cut the puppet in the whale!"
Now that Cinderella had run out of pages, she grabbed more books and just ripped them right in half. "Cut the monsters, cut the curses, keep the intro, cut the verses, and the waiting, the waiting the waiting, the waiting, the WAITING!!!!!!!!!" She screamed as she threw the last torn book to the ground in a fit of rage, then she straightened up and smiled.
"But I know... He'll appear..." Her smile faded a bit. "Though I seem a bit bipolar..." What had she done? Really, she needed to learn how to control her temper. Shaking her head as she picked up the sad remains of the books, she sang, "And I'm a vandle now as well, hope he won't mind." Once the books (or what was left of them) were all back in their pile, she looked out her window again, reflecting on the years trapped in this prison, and smiled.
"I'm a find... I'm a catch... And a very gifted bowler!" (Hey, she had to find SOMETHING to do besides read and stare out her window.) "It won't be long now, I gaurentee! Day number..." She dared to look at the wall marked with tallies, but instead of filling her with hope, it only brought her sadness.
Day number 8,423...
Shannon collapsed onto her bed and fought back tears. Twenty... Three... Years...
There are rules and there are strictures...
He'll show up today...
I know it's today...
I know it's today...
"Are you there, Neptune? It's me, Shannon..."
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CHAPTER 6: And the Mission Begins...
"Here it is! Here it is!" Spongebob shouted happily, ears twitching as he ran ahead at full speed. "Lord Plankton's castle, see? There it is! Told ya I knew where it was!"
Squidward stepped forward and looked up at the massive establisment in front of him, towering several hundred feet above them. "It's a bit much, isn't it?" Then with a chuckle, he added, "You think he might be compensating for something?" Spongebob just gave him a confused look in return as they walked towards the entrance.
The deeper they got into the city, the more and more eerie it seemed. There were neat little houses lined up in rows, gift shops, everything... Except people.
"It's quiet," Squidward commented. "Too quiet." That's when they started noticing the signs, hung up all over walls and doors and windows:
BATTLE OF THE RUNWAY
An underwear modeling competition
WINNER GETS TO RESUCUE THE BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS SHANNON FROM THE FIREY KEEP OF THE DRAGON
Below the announcments were pictures of fish striking ridiculous poses in nothing but their undergarments, accompanied by a pretty-in-purple mermaid dressed in a green and gold gown.
"Underwear?" Spongebob beemed. "I've always wanted to be an underwear model!" That only got him a smack on the back of the head as Squidward took the lead again.
It didn't take long to find; all they had to do was listen for the sound of flashing cameras and women swooning before the runway came into view. When they got there, about a dozen or so women were passed out on the ground, the rest red-faced and giggling or screaming at the top of their lungs. On the runway was a muscular red crustation strutting his stuff in his tighty-whities.
Really?
Squidward wasn't there to see some ridiculous compatition. He was there to find Lord Plankton and get down to business.
Before Spongebob could stop him, Squidward stormed up onto the stage. The crowd suddenly fell silent. A few gasped, then they erupted into more screams (the frightened ones, not the desperate ones). Spongebob gulped and clung to Squidward's shirt, scanning the crowd shakily.
After a while, the commotion was cut through by a voice shouting, "Eww! What is this hideous thing on my runway?!"
"Well, that's not very nice," Squidward inquired, looking around for the owner of the voice, then he looked down at Spongebob. "It's just a donkey-sponge!" After another pause, he couldn't seem to find who had said it...
"Hey! Down here!" When Squidward looked down, he saw a speck-like creature with bouncy black hair, a poofy hat and red-and-gold clothing. "What are you doing? Can't you see we're having a compitition here?"
After a moment of contimplation, Squidward felt a tug on his sleeve, and when he looked down at Spongebob, the sponge was pointing toward the man-speck and mouthing Lord Plankton. So, that was the guy.
"Excuse me... Are you Lord Plankton?"
"Umm... Why, yes!" Plankton scratched the back of his head, then straightened up and smiled proudly. "Why? Does the name strike fear into your heart?"
"No, but the little hat does."
A pulse of rage surged through Plankton. How dare he?! The most hideous creature in the land had just insulted him on his own turf! How--
And that's when the idea hit him.
"Why, look at you, so clever, so smart-elecy!" Turning to the crowd, Plankton announced, "People of Bikini Bottom, I give you your champion!" An uncomfortable silence settled over the crowd once again while Squidward stuttered in objection.
"I'm sorry," Plankton whispered to him, "but I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to remove your outerwear. These people came here for men in underwear, right?"
Squidward nearly spat in his tiny face. "What?! No! I came here to talk to you!"
"Remove your clothes and we may talk!"
Finally, with a reluctant sigh, Squidward stripped down to his underwear. After another silence, the crowd went wild, throwing flowers at his feet and whistling. "Congragulations!" Plankton exclaimed. "You have won the honor of going on a perilous journey to rescue Bikini Bottom's new queen!"
"But that's NOT what I came here for!!!" Spongebob took an uncomfortable step back as Squidward yelled. "I came here to get my reef back!"
Plankton stopped short. "Sorry, your reef?"
"Yeah, my reef! The one you dummped your fairytale creatures on!"
Well, there was an obvious flaw in his plan. Thinking for a moment, Plankton finally said, "I'll make you a deal, ogre-squid-thing, if you can bring Princess Shannon back to me, I'll give you your land back."
"Exactly the way it was?"
"Down to the last easter island head."
"And the squatters?"
"As good as gone.
Scanning his eyes across the crowd once more, Squidward gave a nod of his head. "Fair enough."
As the crowd went wild again, Plankton handed Squidward a map, chuckling diabolicaly as he walked away. Just a few seconds later, though, Squidward came storming back onto the runway and, angrily grabbing his clothes, nodded once more and walked away.
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"Oh, man, this is gonna be great! Squidward and Spongebob, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure!"
Squidward winced as Spongebob babbled on. What was worse was the fact that, judging by the map, this castle was a two-day's journey away if they stopped to camp every night, which he assumed Spongebob would want to do.
"You know, this may turn out to be the longest day of my entire life..." He mummbled with a sigh.
Bad thing to say, so it goes. Spongebob's ears perked up again as he exlaimed, "Ooh! Luckly, I have the perfect remedy for that!"
Squidward didn't even have to ask. "N-no! Spongebob, please! I'm begging you--"
"Sing a song, yes, a travel song, when you gotta go somewhere," Spongebob sang, throwing a rythem into his step. "'Cause the fun is getting there, yeah!" He pause suddenly, nearly making Squidward trip over his own feet. "Oh, what the heck, I must confess; I LOVE a road trip!" Spongebob started up again, practically skipping. "Sing a song, hit the trail, forget the maps, forget the guides! Before you know it, you've made strides with me!"
As if the thought of this trip wasn't bad enough. Before he had much of a chance to groan, Squidward felt Spongebob's arm loop thorugh his. "And I know all I need all along is a path and a pal and a song, so I'm singin' and I'm pallin' with you!" He smiled up at the grumpy ogre-squid. "See? Makes the time go by faster!"
"Why me?" Squidward asked no one in particular. "Why me?"
"This is nice," Spongebob sighed.
"Tell me, what was my crime?'
"We are strollin'!"
"As chatty as a scallop, more annoying than a mime...!"
"Squidward, look!" Spongebob pointed off into the distance. "That snail's wearing boots! Isn't that crazy?"
Squidward's mind was far from boot-wearing snails. "Why me? Why me? A simple answer would be fine..."
"Mmm, this is good cardio!"
"WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE SEND ME A SIGN?!"
"Hey look, a sign!" Squidward looked up and groaned when he saw the sign; YUNITA PAL AVE.
"Oh, what did I do to deserve this, honestly? This *sponge* of mine is assinine! WHY ME?!"
With a giggle, Spongebob hopped up into the air and tapped his hoofs together. "Oh man, what could be better than this?!"
And so ensued the longest 76 hours of Squidward's life.
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CHAPTER 7: The Dragon's Keeper
"...And you know what else is delicious? Krabby Patties. I mean, have you ever walked up to a person and said, 'Hey, let's go get some Krabby Patties!' and they say, 'No way, I don't like Krabby Patties!'? No, because Krabby Patties are delicious!"
Spongebob was a slow traveler, since he always wanted to stop and see the sights, so they had been on the road for three torturous, song-filled days now. That thing was not normal... How Squidward had managed to survive, he honestly had no idea.
"And another thing, I--" Spongebob stopped and sniffed the air, then gagged and covered his nose. "Agh, Squidward, you should really warn me before you just go off and let one rip like that! My mouth was open and everything!"
Squidward smelled it, too... But it wasn't that, not by any means... "Spongebob, if that was me, you'd probably be dead." He sniffed the air for a moment before coming to a conclusion. "It's brimstone. We must be getting close." It took a moment for this to sink in, and then it hit him. They were almost there! It wouldn't be long before he could get rid of Spongebob and get his land back! Oh, happy day!
"Yeah, yeah, sure, brimstone," Spongebob rolled his eyes as they walked on.
Before they knew it, they were standing in front of a gigantic castle, separated only by a bridge over a lake of lava.
"Sure, it's big enough," Squidward chuckled, "but look at the location!" Without thinking twice, he stepped onto a bridge.
"Um... S-Squidward? A-are you sure this is... Safe?" Spongebob cautiously stepped his way onto the bridge.
"Of course it's not." He could practically see Spongebob's face going pale, so he added, "It's just strong enough to get us across and back later on." Spongebob still refused to move, so, with a heaving sigh of frustration, Squidward said, "Just don't look down, okay?"
Spongebob dared to move a step or two. "R-r-right... Don't look down... Don't look down..." He began making his way across at a slow, steady pace. "S-s-sing a song, yes, a travel song, when you gotta get across... Show that big dragon who's boss..."
Of course, Squidward thought. Leave it to Spongebob to encourage himself in song.
There was suddenly a loud CRRRRACK, followed by a shout; "Squidward! I'm looking down!" When Squidward turned to see what had happened, he saw that Spongebob had leapt over a broken plank and was now clinging to a post, staring down into the lake of lava with wide, terrified eyes. "I-I-I can't do it, Squidward! Oh Neptune, I can't do it! G-go on without me!"
Okay, now he was just being ridiculous. "Spongebob, it's okay, you're almost half way there!" Spongebob still didn't move, only squeezed his eyes shut and shook violently. "Spongebob," he repeated, making his way over to the pitiful thing. "Spongebob, get up! Get up! Remember? 'Sing a song, gotta get across...' or whatever it was?" Now he was angry at the donkey-sponge's resistance. "Spongebob, get up, you little trilobite!" He grabbed his hoof and tried to pull him up.
Suddenly, he heard Spongebob whisper something barely audible, so he leaned in and asked, "What was that?"
Trembling, Spongebob repeated in a familiar tune, "D-d-don't let me go... D-d-d-d-don't let me go..."
Really, now? Well, if it was the only way to get him to go on... "I..." Squidward started awkwardly. "...Won't let you go..."
Spongebob opened his eyes and glanced up at Squidward, eyes teary, arms shaking. Then, after a minute or two, he slowly rose up and inched his way along the bridge, holding tightly to Squidward's hand. "Sing a song... Hit the bridge... Don't look down... Soon you'll see... B-before you know it, you're half way with me..."
It wasn't long before Spongebob got his skip back, and he was literally prancing to the end of the bridge. "Oh, what did I do to diserve a pal you?" He sang as he let go of Squidward's hand and flipped a back flip on solid ground. "I'm singin', and I'm pallin', with--"
"That'll do, Spongebob," Squidward sighed, collapsing on the ground next to him. "That'll do."
________________________________________________________
"So where is this fiery pain in the neck, anyway?"
"In the highest room of the tallest tower, waiting for us to rescue her."
"I was talking about the dragon, Squidward."
"Oh... Well, it doesn't say that on here," Squidward shrugged, looking over the pamphlet on Princess Shannon that Plankton had given him again.
"Does it say anything else about this girl?"
"Well, apparently she likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain."
"Ahh... Cool!"
Squidward had dawned a helmet (to hide the ears, he had said-- Didn't want the princess to think a big, bad ogre was coming to eat her and jump out the window) and was looking around for the tower. "Ah, there it is!" he exclaimed as he looked up at a high, lighted window. "I'll find the stairs, and you can stay here 'till I get back."
"W-wait, stay... Here?"
Squidward heard the squeak in Spongebob's voice, so he said, "Unless you'd like to fight a dragon by yourself while I find the princess."
"Ah, no thanks, I'm good!" He chuckled as Squidward walked off. What was there to do in a tower like this on his own, talk to the skeletons? There really wasn't much-- Wait-- SKELETONS?!?!
Before he could think twice, panic overtook Spongebob, and he broke into a run. But everywhere he went, rooms and rooms of fish skeletons, crab and lobster shells, and all other kinds of remains were scattered everywhere. Squidward had told him to be quiet, but he couldn't help it; he let out a loud scream as he ran away.
He wasn't sure how long he was running in no particular direction, but eventually he doubled over, panting in exhaustion. The cold air made his breath come up in puffs of smoke, and...
Wait... It was spring... How could his breath be...?
He got his answer just a few short moments later when he heard a low growl.
"D... D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d..." Spongebob stuttered, pupils tiny little specks lost in his big eyes. "D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-DRAGON!!!! SQUIDWARD!!!! HELP!!!" Without looking behind him, he made a break for the opposite end of the room. This proved not the least bit helpful, though; turns out the dragon was on the other side of the room.
Spongebob quivered as the gigantic thing came crawling out, spreading its wings... Well, now that it was in good light, he could see that it was a rather odd combination. It had the wings of a dragon, yet the rest of its characteristics resembled... Oh, he had read about it once before... A... A land squirrel?
Naturally, his first reaction was to wander how it could breath underwater. But as it charged for him, he threw that thought into the back of his mind for later and tried to run away again. He had nearly forgotten that land squirrels were very quick, and in a flash and the blink of an eye, he was in its clutches.
"N-n-no!" Spongebob pled. "Please, maybe we could make a compromise? How about if you let me go, I'll make you a couple of Krabby Patties? Everyone loves Krabby Patties, right?" The dragon-squirrel's roar shrunk his hopes even more. "Okay, okay! Krabby Patties AND a free soda! A-a-anyhting else?"
The gaze the thing was giving him held some kind of a secret message... Now he could see that this thing was a girl (based on its eyelashes and… Feminine features), but other than that, Spongebob was too scared to see anything behind that gaze other than OMNOMNOMNOMNOM. He was too young to die like this! And he still didn't know how to drive!
Then it occurred to him... What had convinced Squidward to let him tag along? What had made the past three days so fun and adventurous? What had gotten him across that bridge? It all made perfect sense.
He was gonna have to sing his way out of this.
"Oh, my," he began, looking for something to sing about. He found it in just a few short seconds; the creature's two buck teeth, almost just like his. "M-m-my, what big teeth you have," he sang nervously, hurriedly coming up with a tune. "They're so… Sparkling white!" It was beginning to work; the dragon-squirrel lost that intent gaze and was looking at him with curiosity. Smirking to himself, he went on. "I bet you hear this from all of your food, but you must bleach at night!"
No, no, no, he couldn't be running out of ideas just yet! He had to find something else… That's when her breath hit his nose, and he coughed at the strong smell of acorns. "I-is that a hint of minty freshness? Oh, I am scared to death!" It… Wouldn't hurt to get just a bit flirty, would it? Girls liked guys who flirted… Or at least he assumed as he cozzied up closer. "Y'know, I like a girl with a dazzling smile and Tic-Tac on her breath." Closing his eyes, he hummed a couple of notes more and then looked back up at her with a sweet smile.
"So… How about those Krabby Patties?"
Apparently, that wasn't what she had in mind. Instead, Spongebob found himself gasping in surprise as she picked him up with her paws and carried him away.
Oh, crap.
And Squidy's clarinet playin'=Shrek's roar. Hey, it's fitting XD
I WANT TO READ MORE! ;D
